I have spent a lot of time trying to process my thoughts on this relationship and understand why it caused so much damage when I was never interested in my birth family in the first place.
Many people have suggested that I am being harsh on my birth mother or not understanding why I have these issues.
I have also perhaps confused myself, telling myself I didn’t care about her being my birth mother, that I didn’t view her as my mother. It is quite likely that I am in denial when I think of her, I don’t think of her as my mother, but I think only a mother could cause such a deep emotional reaction (especially from me).
Viewing things in this context helps explain why I am struggling to get over the damage she has done, and I am not sure I will ever get over it.
- I have spent my life being emotionally withdrawn, keeping my guard up, and not allowing people to get close to me.
- I have lost too much of my life to depression. I am painfully aware of how bad things can get. My mental health breakdown wasn’t some one-off event, it was an excruciating reminder of how much used to hate life and how close I came to death. I can’t go back to that place, and if that makes me oversensitive, then so be it.
How she harmed me
- Even though I didn’t think I wanted a mother, I used this relationship as a fresh start. Dropped my guard, told them about my mental health issues, allowed them to become close to me. I gave her more than I could offer my actual mother.
- I won’t deny I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship, but fundamentally I don’t think anything I have done or said was wrong. Expressing how I feel and telling someone I love that I don’t like to be treated that way seems completely reasonable, even if I didn’t always express myself in the best way.
- I have given them plenty of chances. It is two years of arguments and being stuck in this vicious cycle where my mental health deterioration has been clear for everyone to see.
- I told her repeatedly that the relationship was harming my mental health. Five times in February alone, I stated things like
- It has decimated my mental health, and I won’t be part of the problem anymore.
- I am depressed at the irreconcilable differences that me and sister have that have ended our relationship.
- This has set my mental health back 10 years
- I simply can’t let my mental health get any worse
- The reality is that this has been a significant factor in my mental breakdown.
So, I have let my guard down and made myself vulnerable with the hope of having a good relationship with my birth mother, something I failed to do with my actual mother.
I have given her every chance possible, but she has ignored my pleas to be treated with respect.
I have told the person that is supposed to be my mother that she is responsible for decimating my mental health, something I am quite sensitive about, and she has gaslighted me, refused to accept responsibility and in my last message where I called her out, for being an emotionally abusive narcissist that is responsible for my mental breakdown, she gave me the silent treatment for 6 weeks.
The person that gave birth to me and spent 35+ years yearning for me would sooner walk away from a relationship with me, her son, rather than admit any wrongdoing and show me some compassion.
How can a mother not care about her child’s depression? I didn’t tell my actual mum about my issues because I was too scared that she cared too much, thinking she would mollycoddle me more than ever. Yet my birth mother doesn’t give a fuck.
I made myself vulnerable to her, and she betrayed me.
She abandoned me as a child and again as an adult.
So no, I am not being harsh on her, I will never forgive her, and I will feel this pain forever.