My Adoption Story - Adoptee Mental Health

I originally posted this one on a Facebook group, but it was auto-modded out, and I hate to waste things I have written.

A lot of this post repeats what I have written in a couple of my earlier posts. I imagine this will be a trend as I constantly replay the difficulties in my head that I have experienced through childhood, into adulthood and the subsequent failed reunion and my mental breakdown.

Intro

At 40 years old, I have only recently fallen down the rabbit hole that is adoption trauma. I originally posted about my issues on Reddit, and it was pointed out to me that my ASD/ADHD could likely be related to CPTSD/adoption trauma.

Trying to weed through all the different challenges adoptees face has been difficult. While it is easy to understand how interracial adoptees or older kids have significant struggles, it has been difficult getting my head around something I thought never bothered me.

Adoption

I was adopted at birth, my birth mother was 14 and didn’t feel capable of raising a child. At 12 weeks, she went to a Nazareth House and stayed there until I was born. There was no hospital involved in the birth, it was all done by the sisters.

My adoptive mother couldn’t have children and had multiple miscarriages. They were good people, loved me unconditionally, and raised me well. I grew up as an only child and never wanted siblings.

They also told me about my adoption early on, and I have never felt the need to connect with my bio parents. However, I never felt close to my parents, my mum mollycoddled me, and I found it overwhelming, and my dad was a stoic, quiet, highly intelligent man, he tried to bond with me through sports, but I hated sports, and we were just never that close.

Adoptive Parents Death and a Life of Depression

Sadly, my dad died when I was 21, and then my mum a few years later. Both from cancer. In recent years I have been struggling with a lot of guilt that I wasn’t able to love them the way they loved me. I didn’t show grief when either of them died, and I didn’t support my mum very well when my dad died.

I have significant memory issues, possibly severely deficient autobiographical memory and don’t remember much of my childhood at all. I battled from serious mental health issues from a young age and was self-harming from 12, and abusing alcohol from early teens.

I never opened up to my parents about these problems. I guess through fear of how they would react. Also, as a child with mental health problems in the 90s, there wasn’t the same level of awareness as there is now. I doubt I knew what depression was at 12/13. My dad was a doctor, and I was registered at his surgery, so I couldn’t face up going to a GP for help until I switched doctors after his death. Not that the GP was much use, SSRIs never worked on me and NHS counselling and CBT were useless.

In my late 20s, after my mum died and my business failed, my problems got so severe I had to decide which direction to go, and I gave life one more chance and sorted my drinking out, started exercising and being healthy.

One Last Attempt at Life

My mental health improved significantly, and I thought I was mostly better. I was still very depressed, but it turns out I was drinking because I was depressed, and I was depressed because I was drinking. But I was better than I was and no longer self-harming.

In hindsight, I was working around my problems, not dealing with them. I developed a bizarre, obsessive work/fitness routine where I’d start work at 3 am as it was the only time I could concentrate. I’d also do a couple of hours of fitness a day, never taking a day off. It worked, and I became successful and happier. I managed to fake being a functional human being.

Birth Mother Letter and Honeymoon Period

In late 2019, I received a letter from an intermediary with my birth mother wanting to connect. I ignored it at first, it was a problem I didn’t want to deal with. But eventually replied as it felt cruel to not let her know I was alive and OK.

I continued with correspondence for whatever reason, and we met over Christmas that year.

My BM was everything my AM wasn’t. A charming extravert with a foul mouth and a fondness for drinking. I think this made it easier for me, I wasn’t replacing my mum. Plus, I couldn’t handle another overbearing mother.

My BM felt so traumatised by my adoption that it took her over a decade to have other kids. My siblings knew about me from early childhood, as did all their family and friends. My BM would celebrate my birthday with her friends each year.

My sister is identical to my BM and a complete wild child.

My brother is almost identical to me in personality. Both nerdy introverts.

I guess something clicked inside me with my sister – I felt like I had wanted a little sister all my life, and I quickly grew to think I loved her.

For whatever reason, I continued with correspondence, and we met over Christmas that year.

My sister is identical to my BM and a complete wild child.

My brother is almost identical to me in personality, both nerdy introverts.

I guess something clicked inside me with my sister – I felt like I had wanted a little sister all my life, and I quickly grew to think I loved her.

Second Year Cracks Appear, and the Gaslighting Starts

A year later, when lockdowns lifted properly, things started to change. I wanted to do fun things with my new family, go out for meals, to the pub, days away etc.

But it quickly became apparent that my BM and sister are very selfish and inconsiderate. Trying to make plans with them was extremely stressful they would mess me around, cancel things, double-book, change plans on short notice.

I think a combination of being an autistic only child whose parents had been dead 15+ years made this very challenging for me. I understand many families struggle with scheduling issues and inconsiderate relatives, but this was the first experience for me, and it was extraordinarily stressful.

At first, I expressed my annoyance, and their response was, “We’re just chaotic, you will learn to live with it”

This trend continued – they’d be inconsiderate, I’d express my feelings then treated like I was wrong to feel the way that I do and that I have no option but to live with it.

This became a vicious cycle, and each time it happened, my stress and anxiety increased, my temperament got worse, and I would lose my temper over increasingly insignificant issues.

My mental health started to spiral out of control, and when I continued to express my problem with my family, they refused to accept any responsibility, showed no remorse, and refused to change.

The extent of compassion I received was “It was bound to be a bumpy ride”, “I am sorry you feel that way”, “We were just getting to know you”.

I have been accused of sending ranting texts, but these were all done to try and express my feelings and put the relationship back on track.

I called them out for their selfish behaviour, but I also expressed remorse for my own behaviour, regularly apologising for my temper and for being difficult.

It also became clear that my sister was the golden child. She would behave like a spoilt brat, I’d call her out on it, I’d get told to f-off, and then my BM would defend my sister. My BM seems to let my sister get away with anything, and I have noticed a trend where my BM will bully and gaslight anyone that stands up to my sister.

Therapist Opens my Eyes to being in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship with Narcissists

Eventually, I went to therapy, and she told me they were emotionally abusive narcissists. I appreciate that their abuse is hardly the worst in the world, but it is still abuse. They have been gaslighting me all along, and this has caused a complete mental health breakdown. It is such a weird thing, I have a strong independent personality, you never think it could be possible to end up in an abusive relationship.

My BM and sister are blatantly ADHD. I never thought I was, but my therapist immediately said it seemed quite apparent that I am, I was later diagnosed, and the medication has helped quite a lot.

I am sympathetic to why my mum is the way she is. Her mother was a neglectful alcoholic, and she never received the love she needed. Giving me up for adoption was also understandably traumatic, and I think that left her broken. She doesn’t seem to think she was sexually abused, but my BF was 18 at the time (it was different back in them days, apparently).

As I increasingly became confident in standing up for myself and started to express myself better in a more logical adult tone (thanks to therapy) – they gave up on the gaslighting and would just ignore messages they don’t like and give me the silent treatment.

At the start of the year, my sister gave me 4 weeks of silent treatment because I sent her, “are you sorting out this cocktail night or what?” Apparently, I was rude and passive-aggressive (she had drunkenly forgotten about the arrangement, so I think I was right to be a bit annoyed).

Then on 5 separate occasions in Jan/Feb I told my mum how this relationship had damaged my mental health. Exact phrases were “my mental health has been decimated”, “it has set my mental health back 10 years”, “my life is falling apart”, “I can’t let my mental health get any worse”

Often, I’d just get no reply or any acknowledgement, or it would just get downplayed. After not responding to one message, the next day my BM sent “are you feeling better today” as if depression gets magically fixed in 24 hours.

Eventually, I tried to make amends with my sister, again apologising for being unpleasant myself and pointing out how bad my mental health was. She replied with no meaningful apology and justified her own behaviour with “I am who I am”.

I replied with a bitchy immature message (I am not proud of, but I was angry), which she forwarded to my BM, who then launched a scathing attack on my personality and called me out for being immature and posted the messages into our family group chat as if to shame me.

I replied with a long rant calling her out for being an emotionally abusive narcissist. Her reaction was to give me 6 weeks of silent treatment. At this point, I decided to go no contact with her and my sister. My BM has contacted me since as if none of these messages happened. I replied politely but shut down the conversation.

My Confusing Feelings on My Biological Mother and Sister

I am left feeling a lot of mixed and confusing feelings.

I’d like a relationship with my BM and sister, I do care for them, and when things are good, they are great.

But, the logical part of my brain knows that I can’t proceed with the relationship due to all the above issues.

I hope my sister will grow out of it, I think she is going to work in Australia for a year, so a year away from my BM may do her good. My door will always be open for her.

I know the answer is because she is a narcissist, but I just can’t get my head around how BM spent 35+ years yearning for a relationship with me, celebrating my birthday each year and then becoming all consumed with trying to find me – then to show me no respect or empathy.

I have given her everything I couldn’t offer my mother. I let down my guard and opened up to her emotionally, and she took advantage of that. I think this is what I am struggling with a lot, If I opened up to my own mother, my relationship with her could have been so much different.

I have given my BM every opportunity possible to fix things, but she has chosen to walk away rather than admit she is at fault for anything. It is so bizarre and confusing.

Equally, I find it incomprehensible how a mother could show no compassion to her child when that child has opened up to her about mental health problems as a result of their relationship.

Part of me wishes I had not replied to that letter. My mental health has been awful the past year. However, I think they exposed problems with myself that I had ignored, and therapy has helped me deal with a lot of this. The ADHD meds help too.

It has also made me quite aware of how much damage you can do to someone over what seems like minor things. It has made me want to be a better person and be more considerate of other people’s feelings. So in that regard, I am thankful for this disastrous relationship.

Brother

My relationship with my brother is alright. He has also admitted that he thinks our mother is an emotionally abusive narcissist, so at least it is not all in my head. She kicked him out of home last year because she ran out of money and was renovating a canal boat, so she wanted to AirBnB her home to fund her lifestyle (she had impulsively given up working). He was forced to live in an almost derelict touring caravan for 9 months until his Dad built converted him a room on his property.

Learning About Adoption Trauma has Brought Back a Life of Pain

Anyway, I am glad to have been pointed down the path of adoption trauma. I am finding it very difficult, as I am both processing my recent issues and looking back at a lifetime of problems which has inevitably left me quite depressed.

Still, I think it will be beneficial in the long run.

My therapist is good, too. She is not adoption trauma-informed, but she is person-centric, and deals with clients with CPTSD, and her own partner is adopted/ADHD/ASD, so she seems pretty interested in this side of things. I think, most importantly, I like her, and we get along, which I haven’t done with previous therapists.

I have recently been made aware that my therapist shouldn’t be continuing sessions with me due to the legal requirements to provide adoption-related therapy.

She hasn’t brought this up herself, and she was aware of my adoption all along. I am unsure if she is aware of this rule, so I feel awkward about whether I should mention it or not.

Current Things I am Struggling With

It is therapy day today, so I figure I should list some things that have been causing my distress and making me feel depressed recently:

The general shock to the system that after spending my life denying adoption was a cause of my problems, it now seems it is the root cause.
I am sad that I have spent the majority of my life with depression, and if my parents had been better educated on adoption trauma, my life could have been much more happier.
Guilty and sad, I never opened up to my parents about my difficulties. If I had just had the courage to admit something was wrong, my life could have been totally different.
Angry and sad at the idea of adoption in general. If my parents had been better educated, perhaps they could have given me the support I needed before my mental health problems became significant.
A bit angry, or at least frustrated, that my adoptive parents may not have been as innocent as I thought. I don’t blame them, but my mum clearly had an unresolved trauma of her own with multiple miscarriages.
- The realisation that my adoption was as much, or more, about fulfilling her needs than it was for me.
Sad and guilty that I couldn’t love my parents the way they loved me. I wasn’t an awful child, but I wasn’t good either.
- I am guilty that I didn’t show grief properly at the time.
- I am guilty I didn’t support my mum through her depression after my dads death.
- I am guilty that I refused to leave my mum when she first collapsed.
- I am guilty that I was drunk and high when I was called to the hospital the night my mum died.
I am angry at my birth mother
- For her complete lack of empathy.
- For not taking my mental health seriously
- At myself for giving her everything I couldn’t give my real mum.
The realisation of how isolating it is to have been relinquished at birth, lost my parents in my 20s then rejected by my birth mother again in my 40s.